Winter has arrived in western NY, and with it that feeling of being shut in. About 8″ of snow is on the ground now, with more to come. These are the hardest months of the year, as getting outside always proves a challenge. My good weather walking paths are all inaccessible due to snow. and my guess is the city does not plow them with any regularity. It looks like I will have to find some sort of strategy for getting outside.
Because of this, I am having difficulty motivating myself to get anything accomplished. Things seem either too small or too large. My office still could use some cleaning up, but I have no real place to put anything. There is no extra closet space; the attic already has stuff in it that needs to be thrown out or belongs to someone else; the basement is naturally full of things as well, and is not the best place to store items unless they are secured in some sort of storage crate. I have no plans for any of this stuff at the moment. The excess of stuff is beginning to weigh on me.
The limited options that winter provides are already beginning to get to me. I suffer from seasonal affective disorder, and while at the moment it is not too bad, I hope it remains under control. Having to get out of the house and off to work three days a week should help, but of course driving through severe weather is no fun. Thursday’s shift entailed driving through a lake effect snowband twice, with the second time being a bit more intense.
The other situation concerning me lately is getting hold of a goal, an accomplishment. I find I am beginning to define myself by what I do not want to do, but I have nothing that I do want to do firmly in mind. I find watching TV and any sort of passive viewing extremely difficult and even depressing when I engage in it. There is the sense that I don’t deserve to sit in front of my TV and watch three movies in a row (The Far Country, Woman of the Year, Jezebel) because I haven’t accomplished anything. This is unsettling. It is actually hard to adjust to the idea that being able to watch three movies in a row is the reward for a lifetime of accomplishments. I have not yet shaken the physical sensation of “having to be somewhere.” I still get the sensation that I have missed something – a meeting, a class, a rehearsal – and that sensation is physical. I wonder when it leaves.
Currently we are under another winter storm watch, and travel is predicted to be tough. I cleaned out the bird feeders and filled them up, but no birds have discovered them yet. That will take time. It will be good to see them in the morning when they realize there is seed there. -twl