Dunkirk NY – The chief stumbling block in my retirement journey so far has been my inability to find some kind of activity to keep me engaged. I took a job for awhile driving cars for Enterprise, but I quit that because I was unable to get the schedule or time off I wanted to do Shakespeare in Delaware Park in 2018 (I didn’t want to be working two jobs for the duration). I’ve thought about finding another job, but it seems lately that life keeps getting happening while I consider other jobs. Four unexpected months on the west coast, another summer in the park, and an opera combined to make 2019 a bit busy. But all of those activities are temporary gigs, and none of them really provided the spark I have been looking for. On top of all this, I always have in the back of my mind the reality that at some point in time I will need to dedicate my time to assisting my mother, as her health is fading, and my brother is beginning to strain under the task. As of the end of this week I have no commitments or formal obligations to attend to, and the artistic 2020 is only in rudimentary form – nothing signed.
I’ve come to believe that one of my issues is the fact that I do not feel particularly attached to the current culture. I feel like a man from a different time, and there does not appear anymore to be a place for me. When I look at the theatre scene nationally, I do not find that the American public is particularly interested in the art form beyond another form of escape. According the the NEA’s latest Survey of Public Participation in the Arts (SPPA) for 2017, only 23.8% of the American public attended one live stage play. 16.5% attended a musical, while 9.4% attended a non-musical play. 2.2% attended an opera. The data does not include attendance at elementary or high school performances, but does include community and student performances. In short, the vast majority of the American public does not attend the theatre. It’s a niche activity. I am sure the numbers were higher in earlier surveys, but not by much. In 2002, the percentage was 29.4%. I don’t believe there is any reliable data prior to the 21st century.
Culturally, I am a product of the white, male Western culture. It’s clear that the culture is moving towards a far more diverse reality. I accept this fact. The artistic and cultural milieu in which I was raised is being replaced, and that’s as it should be. I’ve no issue with that. My problem is trying to find a new home in this emerging culture, and more and more I am coming to believe that there may be no place for me here. What I know and can pass on is not of particular relevance anymore. Again, I have no problem with this; it is as it should be. In the ever-evolving world of human experience and evolution, it has always been thus.
There are only two things I can observe here. The first is that the speed at which this kind of development and evolution seems to be happening at a rate faster than at any time in human history. Things become obsolete much faster. The world I experienced in the 1960s as a teenager is simply non-existent today; no real remnants of it exist. Even the world of the 1990s seems like an eternity ago. I think that people become lost and displaced much faster than ever before. Even the world that existed prior to the election of the current administration seems like eons ago.
The second observation is that the issue is mine to deal with. The last thing I want to become is a grumpy old curmudgeon railing against every little thing. I will admit there is much in modern culture I simply do not like. Pop music is formulaic and sterile; modern theatre is less accessible and too narrow in terms of the audience it’s speaking to; movies are, on the whole, too loud, or too manipulative, or too one-dimensional; TV is apparently bursting with good writers, but they are writing about issues consistent with a younger audience who have more modern concerns (I would say neuroses, but hey) and stress points. I can’t relate, as the saying goes. I never liked Seinfeld, and I can’t for the life of me imagine how The Big Bang Theory lasted for so long. Or Friends, for that matter. I’m still stuck in the TV world of Cheers and Northern Exposure and Peter Gunn.
All this leads to the reality that I have become disengaged from modern living. While I am quite willing to accept this, I am nonetheless still coming to grips with the problem of how to keep myself busy and engaged in what I consider to be meaningful activity. While I continue to take the odd theatre gig I get, I simply don’t find them all that meaningful anymore – they just pass the time. I enjoy going to Delaware Park and being in a show simply for the fact that it’s a pleasant way to pass the time. I don’t believe anymore that the audiences I perform for get anything meaningful out of the work or the show, nor do I believe anyone is really there to create “art.” We share a pleasant evening in the park, the audience and I, and that’s about it. It wasn’t what I set out to do when I first started acting, but this is what has evolved into over the years. It’s OK, it’s pleasant, it puts a few bucks in my pocket, and it passes the time. Nothing more.
Whatever work or activity I pick up from here on in will no doubt be a solitary venture. I have joined the Haiku Society of America, but I think my haiku writing will remain a private activity for a little while longer. Writing seems to me to be the most meaningful thing I can now do, but I fear it because I’m an amateur with little experience. And because I really don’t feel I fit into the current culture, I don’t believe I have anything useful to contribute except to those who might be in the same cultural boat as I am. Solitude is OK by me, but so is a limited sharing with others. Understanding how to balance the feeling of disengagement with the need to engage seems to be the present struggle. -twl