Dunkirk NY – Tonight’s supermoon has risen, but I cannot see it due to cloud cover and a temperature of 16°. The region is in the grip of an extended cold spell that promises to continue for another week. I have to go to work tomorrow, driving cars around in this weather. With high winds expected, the wind chill could be quite cold, maybe -5° to -10°. I’m not looking forward to that.
The new year is supposed to bring with it a promise of an improved future, and in some way I think it’s a well-intentioned notion. But resolutions wane, and winter becomes a struggle to survive, as the cold limits one to indoor activities. You get that “hunker down” mentality, as even small activities become chores. Winter activities such as skiing, snowmobiling and snowshoeing all require expensive gear to keep you warm. You feel that by 4:00PM the day is over, darkness will arrive, and there is little left but TV or a book.
I find the wintertime to be a time, not so much of considering the future, but evaluating the past. Right at this moment, in this retirement limbo, where the past is over and the future is uncertain, I find it difficult to be still. I would like to be still and listen; winter is a great time for stillness and listening. I catch myself staring out windows, surveying a landscape that is hauntingly monochromatic and strangely desolate. I listen to the wind, the sound of which gives me the chills. I can think of many things I might want to be doing, but they all require leaving the house and getting outside. I peruse web sites with newer RVs I’d love to trade for, and I glance furtively at temperatures in Arizona. I have the time to reflect on the whole of my past, since there is at the moment no immediate future that requires preparation. The pieces, as I perceive them, do not begin to add up in the way they used to.
For the rest of this winter, I think I shall be pitting old habits that will not go easy against desired new habits that have no concrete form. Winter is young yet; while I can sense the opportunity it holds, I hope I can hold out while caught in its icy grip. -twl